For Those Already Missing The Baseall Season...

Nick Punto Confused With Infield Fly Fiasco, "For Me, That Ball's a Routine Triple Play"

Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodgers superutility man Nick Punto called a press conference today to express his confusion over the Cardinals-Braves infield-fly fiasco.  He spent most of the conference wondering aloud what he was missing.

"I don't get what the hulabaloo is all about," Punto quipped, "If I'm playing shortstop, that ball's an unnassisted triple play every time."

Hustle: The Puntomeme

"That's So Cano" Is What All The Kids Are Saying These Days

The phrase, "That's so Cano," is, according to multiple sources, what all the kids are saying these days.  The phrase originates from Robinson Cano's famed lack of hustle.  It was originally used to critisize someone who was talented but didn't try or hustle, and failed to achieve what they were capable of.  It has evolved into a phrase to express general disapproval towards something.

Nick Punto Entrenched In Race For SB% Title, Methodically Eliminating Competition By Hiring Jason Bourne To Kill Them.

Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodgers Superutility Man Nick Punto has been entrenched in a fierce battle for the 2012 MLB stolen base percentage title for weeks now.  He leads the majors with a 100% stolen base percentage, but is tied for the lead with with dozens of others. Showing his usual hustle and determination, he has taken to ensuring his victory by systematically killing his adversaries. 
Tim Kurkjian of ESPN.com reports Punto has hired rogue CIA agent Jason Bourne to methodically terminate the competition.  Already, prominent adversaries in the SB% race Quentin Berry and Donovan Solano have been seen sprinting over the rooftops of Cairo, Egypt pursued by a hooded figure toting a high powered rifle.  They haven't been head from since.  Other 100 percent-ers Josh Rutledge and Lorenzo Cain have told tales of strangers in their proximity dropping dead at random with bullet wounds to the head.  Russell Martin reports his house exploded after someone left his TV Guide in the toaster.

The Official Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club Flyer!!!! Download, Print And Spread The Word!!!

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Nick Punto Snubs Star SD Chargers Tight-End By Failing To Open Garden Gate For Him; Scandal Dubbed "Gates Gategate"

During a charity event at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens, Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodger Superutility man Nick Punto was put in an awkward spot yesterday, when, while in the process of opening and walking through a wrought iron gate on the grounds, San Diego Chargers star tight-end Antonio Gates came rushing up behind with the intention of also passing through before Punto closed the gate, so as to not go through the laborious task of re-opening the latch and pushing the gate aside.  With Punto facing away from him, approaching at a brisk jog, Gates shouted, "Yo! Nicky-P!" at which Punto showed no reaction and continued through the gate, allowing it to slam in Gates' face.

Various sources have weighed in on the significance of what has been dubbed, "Gates Gategate."  Those in the know are divided into two camps as to the intended message of "the slam".  One theory is "Gates Gategate," is simply another incident in long and bloody history of the L.A.-S.D. rivalry.  A more popular theory proposes that Antonio Gates has developed a reputation in the pro-sports industry as a socially awkward 'nick-namer' and his usage of the name "Nicky-P" gave Punto an urge to flee lest his style be cramped.  No concrete evidence has surfaced to support either theory, nor a third Tim Tebow-centric postulate being pushed heavily by ESPN.  Whatever the reason the intrigue of Gates Gategate lives on.

Punto At The Bat- Mostly By Ernest Thayer

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the L.A. nine that day:

The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.

And then when Kemp died at first, and Hanley did the same,

A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest

Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;

They thought, if only Punto could get but a whack at that -

We'd put up even money, now, with Punto at the bat.

But Abreu preceded Punto, as did also Choate,

And the former was a lulu and the latter was a goat;

So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,

For there seemed but little chance of Punto's getting to the bat.

But Abreu let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,

And Choate, the much despis-ed, tore the cover off the ball;

And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,

There was Randy safe at second and Abreu a-hugging third.

Then from 35,000 throats and more there rose a rollicking bark;

It rumbled through the ravine, it trembled through Elysian Park;

It knocked on out to Anaheim and recoiled upon the desert flat,

For Punto, mighty Punto, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Punto's manner as he stepped into his place;

There was pride in Punto's bearing and a smile on Punto's face.

And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,

No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Punto at the bat.

Thirty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;

Ten thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.

Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,

Defiance gleamed in Punto's eye, a sneer curled Punto's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,

And Punto stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.

Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-

"That ain't my style," said Punto. "Strike one," Joe West said.

From the benches, blue with fanatics, there went up a muffled roar,

Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.

"We want umpire accountability!" shouted someone on the stand;

And it’s likely they'd a-fired him then-and-there had not Punto raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Punto's visage shone;

He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;

He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;

But Punto still ignored it, and Joe West said, "Strike two."

"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered fraud;

But one scornful look from Punto and the audience was awed.

They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,

And they knew that Punto wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Punto's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;

He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.

And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,

And now the air is shattered by the force of Punto's blow.

Oh, somewhere in San Diego the sun is shining bright;

Vin is chatting somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere Manny is laughing, and somewhere dem bums shout;

But there is no joy in L.A. - mighty Punto has popped out.

Nick Punto Eats A Large Amount Of Crow, Finds It Very Delicious

ESPN Fantasy Analysts Matthew Berry and Stephania Bell Guest Star On The Nick Punto Radio Network

Check it out here
http://espn.go.com/espnradio/play?id=8365733

Democratic Delegates Say No To God, Jerusalem, Say Yes To Nick Punto

In a shocking transgression today, democratic delegates, when questioned whether to add the mention of God, and the belief that the American embassy in Israel shold  be located in Jerusalem, voted a resounding "No", and yet voted a resounding "Yes" to the addition of a plan that calls for the classification of Nick Punto as a weapon of mass destruction.

Nick Punto Hits Moonshot, Pulverizes Moon, Knocks Jupiter Out Of Orbit

Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto hit one of his typical moonshots during the game yesterday.  However, this hit had a bearing straight for the moon, which it collided with and pulverized on contact.  The ball continued screaming through the solar system eventually grazing Jupiter, knocking it out of its orbit.

Nick Punto Finds Hitting With Conventional Wood Bat Too Easy, Opts For "Mario Super Sluggers" Style DK Boxing Glove Instead.

Finally growing bored to his utter dominance at the bat, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto opted to jazz thing up a bit and make hitting more of a challenge.  Yesterday, instead of coming to bat with the conventional wooden bat, Punto instead brought to the plate a massive boxing glove, reminicent of the one used by Donkey Kong in "Mario Super Sluggers".  During his first at-bat with the glove, Punto took huge windups before each pitch, taking massive swing/punches at each offering, spinning around several times and falling on his rear after each whiff.  After three straight three pitch strikeouts, Punto was eventually pitched a strike, which he punched 450 feet off the batter's eye in dead center.  Rounding the bases, Punto was reported to have been mumbling to himself that it was, "too easy," and after the game was found perusing e-bay for a used longboard, apparantly dead-set on switching from Donkey Kong's batting style to Funky Kong's.

Betty White Eats A Snickers, Turns Into Nick Punto

Answering the age old question, "If you turn into Betty White when you're hungry, what does Betty White turn into when she's full?"  Betty White ate a Snickers at a press conference yesterday, and transformed into Nick Punto.

"A Mix Of Hawk Harrelson And Mike Krukow" - Nick Punto Reported To Verbally Call The Play-By-Play While Playing.

"It's an odd mix of Hawk Harrelson and Mike Krukow," figures MLB umpire Lance Barrett, who worked the plate yesterday, and got a good earful of Punto's on-field audio during his at-bats.  "In general I'm fine with the running commentary, except when he disagrees with a strike call."

"I called a borderline pitch a strike a couple days ago," remembers crewmate James Hoye, "And all I hear from Punto is, "Ooh!  The ump calls that one a strike on the outside corner, let's go to the Pitch FX brought to you by TDS ...mmm... looked like it mighta been juuuuuuuuust off the plate."

"What impresses me is he does the play-by-play and the color commentary; it's a solo show," praises opposing catcher Ramon Hernandez, "and he always remembers to get the promos in."

"Nick Punto Bobbleheads: The Definitive Collection" Art Exhibit To Open Friday At The Guggenheim.

Nick Punto Bobbleheads: The Definitive Collection, opens to much anticipation Friday at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City. 

Art critics worldwide have been chomping at the bit to view the previously private collection of rare Nick Punto bobbles, hailing the figurines as an avant-garde endeavor into a new artistic niche critics have labled "Post-Post-Modern Ironic Industrialist Puntoism".

... And Nick Punto -- Mike Axisa -- Fangraphs.com

Our boy Nick Punto gettin' some cred over at the Fangraphs.  Check the article out here.

Dad, What's That? Those Are Piranhas.

Dodgers Trade For MVP-caliber Utility Player, Superstar First Basemen, Stud Left Fielder And Veteran Pitcher, Also Acquire Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett.

The Dodgers pulled off a block buster deal, aquiring MVP-caliber utility player, superstar first basemen, stud left fielder and veteran pitcher Nick Punto, along with Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford and Josh Beckett. The entire deal looked like this:

Dodgers Get:

Util, 1B, SP, OF Nick Punto
1B Adrian Gonzalez
SP Josh Beckett
OF Carl Crawford


Red Sox Get:

1B James Loney
SP Rubby De La Rosa
SP Allen Webster
OF Jerry Sands
INF Ivan De Jesus
12 million cash considerations

Nick Punto Tries Authentic Kansas City Bar-B-Q, Gives It a "B+".

During the postgame press conference yesterday, Nick Punto shockingly revealed he had tried authentic Kansas City BBQ - and was slightly underwhelmed.

In other news, mass suicides have been reported throughout the Kansas City metropolitan area.

Um, Greatest Ever? That Would Be A Yes.

Usain Bolt Wins Gold In 100-Meter Dash. Nick Punto Wins 100-Meter Dash

Proposed Deal of Nick Punto To Houston For Entire Astros Roster, Country of Luxembourg, Mummified Remains of Tutenkamen Not Enough For Boston

The trade deadline came and past yesterday at 4 ET without the completion of a much rumored trade between the Astros and Red Sox for Future Hall-of-Fame shortstop Nick Punto.  The Red Sox, still reeling in the wake of countless injuries, decided to deal the slugger for offensive depth, especially in the outfield.  But they weren't about to give Punto away for free.

A source close to the story reports that negotiations went back and fourth for hours, as Red Sox General Manager Ben Cherington gradually cajoled Astros GM Jeff Luhnow's offer up to the entire Houston 25-man roster, the mummified remains of the ancient pharoTutenkamen, and the small central European country of Luxembourg.  Cherington, however, refused to go through with h the trade unless Houston agreed to sweeten the deal by throwing in a dvd boxed set of his favorite CBS crime procedural NCIS, to which Luhnow reportedly replied, "Watch the damn show on Netflix," and Cherington retorted, "They havn't put the show on On Demand, and if you think I'm gonna pay eight bucks extra a month for dvds through the mail, you got another thing coming." Cherington proceeded to ramble on about how Luhnow was being very "un-Agent Gibbs-like", and, naturally, the trade was nixed.

Nick Punto Hits Ball With Such Potencey, Half Of Massachusetts Is Impregnated.

Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto hit a line shot with such potency in yesterday's game, women from Cape Cod to Pittsfield reported sudden pregnancy of unknown origin, and early estimates conclude that approximately 52% of the female Massachusetts population was impregnated by Punto's hit.

Nick Punto To Release Breakfast Cereal Called "Yankee O's" With Motto, "Just like Nick, You Too Can Eat Yankees For Breakfast".

After much anticipation, Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto called a press conference yesterday to announce his partnership with Kellogg's in the creation of his own breakfast cereal "Yankee O's" that will be marketed with the tagline, "Just like Nick, you too can eat Yankees for breakfast."
A sample of the product was then distributed among the press present.  The box features a smiling headshot of Punto, mouth agape, about to chomp down on a spoonful of miniature Curtis Grandersons, Mark Teixieras, Derek Jeters, and A-Rods, all screaming in horror.
The cereal itself features a similar design, the compressed oats made to look like the screaming heads of past and former Yankees, but the real highlight of the product is the mini plastic Nick Punto action figure as the prize at the bottom of each box.  When a button on the back of the Punto figurine is pressed, his right foot stomps down to the floor.  Put a Yankee-head piece of cereal underneath this foot, and "You've got hours and hours of Yankee-stomping fun!"

Nick Punto Tries To Swing And Miss #yolo.

In a moment of boredom during yesterday's game, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto, just for the hell of it, attempted to swing and miss at a pitch.  He failed, accidentally hitting the pitch into the Charles River, approximantely a mile beyond the left field wall.  Punto tossed his bat in anger as he watched his moonshot leave the park, disgusted in his failure to swing and miss at the pitch.

Nick Punto Booked At The Last Minute To Perform At Teen Choice Awards, Ratings Go Through The Roof

In a surprising move by Fox Sunday, probably in the face of low expected ratings, brought in Nick Punto as guest host with Demi Lovato.  Fox cited Punto's appeal to the female teenage demographic, which most likely contributed to his impromptu duet with Flo Rida,  Performing "Wild Ones", Punto not only sang Sia's vocal part, he also took a page from Justin Timberlake, ripping off Flo Rida's top at the end of of the song.

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby, Will Instead Watch Re-Runs of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto replied "The dynamic between Kim and Cynthia is just so intriguing to me, and of course with Nene and her relationship issues, it's must watch television."

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby, Instead Plans On Listening To Taylor Swift In His Bedroom.

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto replied, "I'm sorry to all the dissapointed fans out there, but it's been a long, stressful first half, and I need to find my happy place, which just happens to be in bed with my PJs on, singing along to T. Swift whilee using my hairbrush as a microphone."

Nick Punto Blows off Home Run Derby, Will Fight Crime As Ass-Kicking Vigilante Instead.

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, he explained his long awaited plans to throw caution to the wind and become a crime-fighting vigilante over the All-Star Break.  Punto says he plans to expound on his already fearsome alter-ego, "The Shredder", and take to the streets of Boston to, "Shred up crime." Punto later added the catch phrase was a work in progress.

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby Because, "You Can't Slide Headfirst On a Home Run".

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto explained hitting home runs was against his principles, and that heart, hustle, grit, determination and being a total badass are attributes that really win a baseball game.
"You can't slide headfist on a home run," Punto argued. When asked how he had hit 15 home runs in his 12 year career if he found homers fundamentally wrong, Punto admitted that he wasn't abovem, "Unfortunate lapses in concentration."

Nick Punto Overrules Supreme Court's Ruling On Obama Heath Care Law, Instead Institutes "Puntocare".

In a bold move today, Future Hall of Famer Nick Punto used his vast political influence to overturn the Supreme Court's 5-4 ruling in favor of the constitutionality of Obamacare. With Obamacare squashed, he then pushed through "Puntocare".  Not really a new healthcare plan at all, "Puntocare" calls for total dismantling of the health care infastructure, and reccomends instead of healthcare to, quote, "Rub some dirt on it."

Nick Punto Is The New Black

Nick Punto First To Wear "Kiss Me I'm Irish" Shirt to Not Be Total Douchebag

In the clubhouse after the Red Sox's 7-5 win on Tuesday, Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto changed into a garment that is typically a staple of douchebaggery: The "Kiss Me I'm Irish" Shirt.

Except, in a monumental effort, he pulled it off.

"Honestly, I think he's workin' it man," commented David Ortiz, Self Appointed King of Baseball Swag. "Usually that kinda shirt just screams asshole, but he really owns it."

New England Patriots Sign Free Agent Fullback Nick Punto

The Patriots signed Nick Punto to play fullback for their team in 2012 on Saturday, initiating a media blitz around the newest two sport pro.  Comparisons to Bo Jackson were thrown out left and right, but that's just rediculous.  Nick Punto's way better.

Nick Punto Runs Over Catcher; Politely Takes Cleats Off First.

In a humiliatingly awesome play yesterday, Nick Punto, while scoring a run, inconviniently noticed, as he neared home plate, Twins catcher Ryan Doumit had the ball and was foolishly planning on making an attempt to tag him out.  Politely, Punto removed his spikes as a safety measure before, literally, running over Doumit feet first, actually turning the catcher into a welcome mat for home plate complete with the witty slogan, "Every day's better with a Chihuahua!".  When asked later what it felt like to be run over by Punto himself, Doumit liked the experience to what the Egyptians must have felt when Moses un-parted the Red Sea, drowning them all.

Nick Punto Traded to Iowa State, Blocked By Bo Ryan

In an effort to trade one of their superstars to bring young talent into the organization, the Boston Red Sox dealt Nick Punto to Iowa State University for their tops two starters, cash considerations and a sausage and pepperoni calzone.  However, Bo Ryan, head basketball coach for the University of Wisconsin had other ideas.  After blocking the transfer of red-shirt freshman Jarrod Uthoff a few days ago, Bo's appears to be at it again.

When asked if Ryan, a basketball coach, had the jurisdiction to block a transaction between baseball teams, one team not in the Big Ten, one in no way associated with the NCAA, concerning players in no way affiliated with the University of Wisconsin in any way, Red Sox GM Ben Cherington replied, "He just did."

Nick Punto Scores Winning Run, Krumps Last Twenty Feet

With two outs and the game tied in the bottom of the ninth yesterday, Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto stood stoic on second, totally in the zone.  Kevin Youkilis lined a single into right field, and Nick streaked around third, bearing down on home plate.  As Punto neared the dish, however, he began to bust out some of the dopest moves this side of Greenwich Village.  With the whole stadium in astonished silence, Punto krumped the last twenty feet to the plate, popping and locking around the catcher just as the throw arrived from the outfield.  The rest of the Red Sox proceeded to refrain from the usual walk off celebration, instead forming a circle around Punto as he continued to throw down while J-Squad blasted from the stadium's speakers.  This continued for some time, and as it became apparent that Punto had no plan of stopping soon, Mike Aviles had to go head2head with him to show him who's fresh.

Nick Punto Sacrifices His Body, Sacred Cow, Two Yankess Fans To Make The Play

In an unbelievable display of dedication and hustle yesterday, future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto sacrificed his body, a Hindu Sacred Cow and two Yankees fans that had been previously heckling him from the stands near first base, in order to make a diving stop in the hole and throw out the runner.  When asked to comment on the play and his shortstop's disturbingly vast knowledge of Aztec sacrificial rituals, manager Bobby Valentine replied, "He's a scrappy guy, he's willing to give up anything to make the play, real scrappy, y'know?"  When queried on his creative inclusion of the Yankee fans into the sacrifice, Nick Punto replied, "That's right, I'm Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto, and if you get in my way, I WILL KILL YOU.  Gotta go, I'm late for my daily telepathic sparring session with Mr. T, the Garfoose and Brian Wilson's beard."

Hello, Puntomas Greetings

Recently, while I was deeply absorbed in my studies as Professor of Puntology at the University of Wyoming-Scott's Bottom, I was notified by a colleague that various leading institutions for expressing fandom towards future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto (more widely known as The Shredder) were seriously lacking in commitment.  The website claiming to be the, quote "official" fan club of Nick Punto appeared to have been updated last in 2009.  I initially balked at this travesty, unable to comprehend the disloyal bigotry that could have occurred to abandon such a noble venture as that of a promoter of the fandom of the greatest baseball player ever to beat Chuck Norris.  In everything.

Hence, I quickly created the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club, to quench the yearning masses' thirst for more ways to express their adulation towards He himself.  Yes He, with a capitol "H", the M1A2 Abrams assault tank more widely known as Nick Punto.

You're Welcome

Noah P. Stafford,

Supreme Dictator for Life of General Leadership Matters and Presider of the Board of the Oligarchy of the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club