Thursday, February 18, 2016

Nick Punto Retirement Full Coverage: The Official Announcement

I'm sad

2/19. Never Forget.

Go to your loved ones. Hold them close.

Classic Punto Literature -- Vol 4 -- An Oral History of Nick Punto Sliding Headfirst into First Base

By: Randball's Stu
Place: SB Nation -- Twinkie Town
Title: An Oral History of Nick Punto Sliding Headfirst into First Base
Date: January 24, 2013
Profound Excerpt:

"COREY KOSKIE (former third baseman, Minnesota Twins): Punto shows up at the Dome on this tricked-out Harley, and I swear to God the entire thing is on fire, him included, like that Ghost Rider movie. He skids to a halt, jumps off the bike, rolls around on the grass to put out the fire, brushes himself off, and says, "Woo! Tokyo Drift! Alright, boys, let's go, let's go, let's go! Play to win, guys!"


Saturday, February 6, 2016

Infographic: How to Make "The Punto Slush"

For those unaware of one of Future Hall of Famer Nick Punto's significant contribution to the field of mixology, the backstory, via You're also known for the Punto Slush, so what's the story behind that?  
NP: That's old and with me and [Justin] Morneau. He was a very superstitious player and I made him one of these –– they had these slush machines over there –– and it was basically one of those 7-11 slurpee machines and I put Mountain Dew with the cherry slushie and he hit two home runs and had four hits one night. Then he kept it going and got on a tear and I basically had to make that for him everyday for an entire season. It actually lasted a couple seasons.
Though the story behind the origin of The Punto Slush is fairly concrete, the precise ingredients of The Punto Slush itself are more nebulous, shrouded in a cloud of ambiguity and contradiction.  In his 2009 piece "Justin Morneau's Superstitions Reflect His Hockey Roots", Buster Olney reports,

"Morneau's gotta have a Punto Slurpee before every game, and only Punto can make it, using the same recipe: one-half Mountain Dew, one-half red or orange stuff."
Orange stuff?  Slurpee?  It can probably be said definitively that the Punto Slush is, in fact, a slurpee, not a slushy.  Punto himself seems to use "slushy" and "slurpee" interchangeably, and Olney states unconditionally that concoction is indeed a slurpee, not a slushy.  Calling the confection a "Punto Slush" may therefore be slightly misleading, but after thorough research and a healthy debate, we here at the ONPFC have come to the conclusion that "The Punto Slush" is, in fact, the correct nomenclature.  More controversially, Olney seems to report an alternate recipe to the 50/50 Mtn Dew and Cherry mixture that Punto provided in the NESN article.  A shady "orange" proxy flavor is suggested to be an acceptable substitute.  Diving even deeper into the reportage of the beverage unearths an even more dubious contradiction.
"The shake Nick Punto makes for Morneau before each game is a mixture of Slurpee and Mountain Dew."
This from  What?  This wording seems to imply that Punto mixed slurpee with real, raw Mountain Dew.  Like, the soda.  We here at the ONPFC had previously assumed that the mentioned Mountain Dew was the Mountain Dew flavored slurpee.  Oddly, this recipe is reiterated across various highly-reputable media outlets.  A similar recipe is reported on Nick Blardes's GoodReads blog, as well as  What am I building towards with this multitude of examples, the reader may ask?  Well, what I am doing is demonstrating the need for a definitive and comprehensive recipe for The Punto Slush.  It is what the people need.  Through some intrepid reporting on the part of the whole team here at the ONPFC, we have arrived at what we think is the definitive Punto Slush recipe.  It is presented just below, in infographic form.

Interestingly, the orange slurpee, as suggested by Olney and others was a red herring.  Various sources confirmed that the orange flavor was never an acceptable alternative to cherry in making a Punto Slush.  The confusion over "Mountain Dew" has been resolved as well, as we have confirmed that the ingredient is, indeed, Mountain Dew flavored slurpee.

Additionally, we discovered that the Punto Slush is, in fact, not a half-and-half concoction as stated elsewhere.  Through the power of investigative reporting, we have unearthed a full ten ingredients that were not reported anywhere else.  #relevatory is an understatement.

Astute readers will notice that adding the ingredient percentages together does not result in the number 100, but rather 110.  That is because Nick Punto always gives 110%.  Duh.

Classic Punto Literature -- Vol 3 -- Nick Punto's New Bike

By: Jon Marthaler
Place: SB Nation -- Twinkie Town
Title: Nick Punto's New Bike
Date: March 3, 2008


Friday, February 5, 2016

Classic Punto Literature -- Vol 2 -- A Day in the Life of Little Nicky Punto

By: Jon Marthaler
Place: SB Nation -- Twinkie Town
Title: A Day in the Life of Little Nicky Punto
Date: Feb 12, 2010
Profound Excerpt:
4:35 - Call Gardy. He's not picking up, like every morning, but now he knows that SOMEBODY was up. And getting after it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Classic Punto Literature -- Vol 1 -- Nick Punto Visits Twins in Anaheim; Enthusiasm Injuries at 'Expected' Levels

By: Randball Stu
Place: SB Nation -- Twinkie Town
Title: Nick Punto Visits Twins in Anaheim; Enthusiasm Injuries at 'Expected' Levels
Date: July 24, 2015
Profound Excerpt:

"That little S.O.B. just went headfirst into the rocks while the geysers were going off," said an usher who asked to remain anonymous.  "He was yelling 'INTENSITY' and 'TWIST IT LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOO' and the rocks just kept tumbling down.


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

¡Viva La Revolución! A Gloriously Official Fan Club Coup D'état

It has recently come to light that "The Official Nick Punto Fan Club" aka aka aka http://www.gonorrhea.html, has ceased to exist on the world wide web.  According to the wayback machine, the last time the page was archived as existing was January 3rd, 2014.  The last time the page was actually update was a full five years earlier.  Like lol do u even Punto?

In light of this, a power vacuum opened, and we here at the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club are writing to say that, after a brutal, bloody coup d'état, have grabbed power.  Obviously, the extra "Official" in "The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club" was only present due to necessity, as we felt the need to differentiate ourselves from less-legitimate enterprises on the interwebs.  But now is the time.  The time to ascend to the most official of all the Nick Punto Fan Clubs.  Our other competition, "Nick Punto Fan Club" aka, aka aka still shows up in google search results, but has not been updated since 2006, and was only active for two months.  I am confident, therefore, that we will stand alone at the zenith of all the Punto fandom related sites.

Therefore, henceforth this weblog will officially be known as The Official Nick Punto Fan Club.  The "the" should be read as if in all caps, i.e. "THE OFFICIAL Nick Punto Fan Club".  What a great moment for Punto fans everywhere, and therefore the world.  The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club is dead.  Long live the Official Nick Punto Fan Club.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Nick Punto Has A Man Crush On Kevin Pillar. Who? That cunt-faced whore?

Yeah ok that's fine, see if I care.  Sure, Kevin Pillar.  If that's who you've got a man crush on... Whatever, it's not like it affects me in any way.  It's not like I'm going around whoring it up all over town like Kevin Pillar. But that's just a rumor, just heard that through the grapevine, might not be true, y'know not my words.  Yeah, it's fine Nick, it's not like I've been here by your side supporting you for FOUR WHOLE YEARS or anything like that.  It's not like I haven't been there for you, you're confidant, your rock.  It's not like that cunt-face Pillar has been in the majors for a FULL YEAR less than this blog has even existed.  No, it's fine.  It's fine.  I'm doing just fine, anyway.  Gee, yesterday I got a retweet from Jason Pridie..... oh god..... JASON PRIDIE????? WHAT HAVE IT COME TO???? GODDAMNIT NICK CAN'T YOU SEE I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU????   PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE, I STARTED WATCHING METS GAMES THE OTHER DAY JUST BECAUSE THERE'S A CHANCE JUAN URIBE GETS IN THE GAME AND HE TURNED A COUPLE DOUBLE PLAYS WITH YOU TWO YEARS AGO GODDAMNIT FUCK KEVIN PILLAR WHO THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING WHORE ANYWAY WHY THE FUCK;,ADSFG;LLFKL;ADFS;JDSAGJDSIOANFDSJAKZMERW GR


kv;kladssdxxm,. CVXZMegirsbdfsl

AG :Ldf'laegr

I'm sorry, that got out of hand.  I've...I've got some things I need to sort out right now.  I think I might be take a trip to Italy, eat some food, really clear my mind.

Oops, sorry, I just hit "paste" and my email just randomly appeared completely on accident, but yeah, actually I you wanna write me back or anything that'd be great, Nick.


Monday, May 25, 2015

Nick Punto, Chip Caray and the Platonic Essence of a Base Hit

Below is a maximum resolution clip of a play in the 10th inning of the 2009 play in game between the Minnesota Twins and the Detroit Tigers.  A play-by-play of one of the greatest games in Twins history can be found here.  But that's not the point.  Note video below.
"BASE HIT!" TBS announcer Chip Caray exclaims as Punto smacks the ball authoritatively to left, followed immediately by a somewhat contradictory "Caught out there!".  Then Alexi Castilla makes everything ten times worse by being easily mowed down at the plate by Ryan Raburn.
"Damnit, Alexi Castilla" - Plato
Now, for those who seem to believe that Chip Caray made a stupid, hilarious mistake, I posit a different theory.  You see, Caray recognized Punto's talent for what it is, a universal platonic Form.  Of course Punto intended to get a hit, but it was unfortunately (and inexplicably) caught.  But since Punto's talent is universal, infallible, and immaculate, similar to Plato's ideals of justice, unity, and beauty, Punto's hit was not a fly out, but rather a base hit that just happened to be caught.  Plato acknowledges that all physical manifestations of Forms are imperfect, and this just happens to be a very imperfect manifestation of Punto's pristine talent.  With this, we can see that Caray's pronouncement was not mere boneheaded happenstance, but truly a proclamation of his belief in Plato's Theory of Forms, and of Nick Punto himself as existing in the intelligible realm.
It is rumored that in the subsequent commercial break between the bottom of the tenth and top of the eleventh, Caray looked at the boom operator dead in the eyes and said, "For now, I am content to be a naive observer, watching the shadows dance on the wall of the cave.  But someday... someday I will emerge from the cave and finally observe the world around me.  And Nick Punto will be there, sliding head-first into first base."

Thursday, May 21, 2015

True Grit -- A Serialized Novel: Chapter Two: Strange Medicine on the Desert

             Punto glanced at the fuel gauge as the Firebird continued its prowl down the desert highway.  He glanced over his shoulder at the body-shaped figure, concealed by a blanket, in the back seat. "Still no movement," Nick thought, "I'm no doctor, but that ain't good.  Oh well, fuck it."  Nick propped his knees up against the wheel to keep the car straight as he began to roll a blunt.
            "Hey, Bartlett," he asked, licking the rolling paper, "you got a light?"
            "Sure." Bartlett tossed Punto his bic.  Punto finished rolling the joint, ignited the end and took a long hit.  He accelerated gradually as he slumped back in his seat.  Everything really was going relatively well, he realized. As long as they just kept going steady through into Vegas, with no more setbacks or stops for infield practice, no one who was chasing them would be able to catch up in time.
            Suddenly Punto's eyes twitched.  The road ahead convulsed, and Punto leaned forward as the car hugged the curvature of the earth.  Fuck.  When that shifty Venezuelan behind the 7-Eleven in San Bernadino said this chronic would blow his brains out, he didn't think... oh shit...
            Suddenly a gruesome black mass rose up in the rearview mirror, and there was a terrible roar.  Punto knew that they were back. He looked back into the mirror, the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

True Grit -- A Serialized Novel: Chapter One: Fear and Loathing and Piranhas

Explanatory Note:
Nick Punto was released by the A’s on December 19th, 2014.  No new news surfaced, until, on January 7th, 2015 it was reported he had signed a minor league contract with the Diamondbacks.  Yet on the fateful day of February 20th, 2015, it was announced that he would not be attending spring training, and would be sitting out the rest of the season, “to spend time with his family”.  Some believe that this was simply Punto waiting to retire in order to collect the 2.75 million dollars the A’s still owed him.  But that’s what he wants you to think.  The truth is, Nick Punto has some old scores, and he’s been fixin’ to settle them for a while.  Nick Punto is not “spending time with his family”, he, along with one or more accomplices, are out there, right now, and they’re hungry for revenge.  In the process, they might just save baseball. This is that story.

They were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. Punto had smoked a J to try and calm his nerves, but it wasn’t helping.  The 77’ Firebird screamed across the California desert. The thirsty V8 roared under the hood as the car accelerated to over 90 mph.  Nick Punto’s knuckles whitened on the steering wheel.  The air screamed in through the opened window, and Punto was reminded of the time Elvis Andrus dared him to touch Adrian Beltre’s head.  The speedometer needle edged passed 100 mph, but Punto kept his eyes fastened to the road, and his foot to the floor.  Jason Bartlett suddenly snapped into consciousness in the passenger seat.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Adjusting Nick Punto's ZiPS Projections With Park Factors, Other Factors

As we all are presently aware, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto has taken his talents to the desert. According to Punto himself, he had, "grown bored of annihilating American League pitching," and was looking for a change of scenery.  So he demanded his release from the team, and signed up with 'Zona, hoping that the National League, "Has gotten some fresh pitchers since I left."  Anyways, Punto's ZiPS projections for the 2015 season were calculated before his change of teams, and I'm here to adjust the numbers to his new park, league, and roll on the team.  First, the initial projections:

Nick Punto372B239224581215220.2130.2920.289Craig Counsell
ZiPS wouldn't dare comp Punto to
Jamey Carroll's punk ass.

Pretty shitty, right?  It's a good thing Punto is moving from one of the worst offensive parks to one of the best, because I was about to say, those don't look like Punto level numbers!  I mean, what kind of insulting comp is Craig Counsell????  You might as well comp him to Montreal-era Jamey Carroll! HA! Like that would ever happen.
Obviously, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto will do, like, an assload better than these ZiPS projections. (Due a tangible change of league and home park, of course.)

There are multiple adjustments that need to be made to the ZiPS projections.  Number one, they assume just 239 PAs for Nicky P in 2015.  What?  We all know Punto's a versatility machine.  Give 'em six-hundo and we'll call it even.  With 600 PAs, things shape up a little bit, but we have to take into full account the effect his new park will have on his numbers.  According to Fangraphs Park Factors, Punto should expect a 7% increase in offensive output due to his new home at Chase Field.  Well screw that shit!  We all know Punto's gonna mash like a friggin' potato.  A better estimate of his uptick in offense due to Park Factors is that it will be, like, 300% better.  Punto's adjusted line:

Nick Punto372B600166339608151131515Nick Punto

Now that's more like it!  Some interesting observations about his adjusted projections:
  • ZiPS predicts 60 doubles from Punto, taking into account Chase Field's expansive outfield gaps.
  • It also predicts 113 RBI, showing that Punto will benefit from hitting in the middle of the order on his new team.
  • ZiPS forecasts that Punto will break the all-time single-season hits record by a margin of 77.
  • ZiPS adjusted Punto's comp to the only player who he could possibly be compared to: himself.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The Bombest of Bombs With Nick Punto

As conspicuously noted on this weblog, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto currently has 19 home runs during officially sanctioned Major League Baseball regular season play.  Of those nineteen, twelve are recent enough to have been catalogued by ESPN Home Run Tracker.  Of those, one was a straight friggin' bomb.

Uppa Deck Muthafucka!!!!  There's nothing more satisfying that Nicky P showing how long he can dong.
Now take into account what we're watching here.  This was calculated to have a 444 ft true distance on HR Tracker.  This is by far the farthest homer he has hit in within the the data available.  In fact, this is probably the hardest Nick Punto has hit a ball at the professional level ever.  Let that shit sink in for a second.  #whoadude.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Nick Punto Is The Most Metal

Poem by Nick Punto:
Teacher and her facist bullshit
Tryna control my mind
But u can't control me
I listen to System of a Down
And have a 10 k/d on Halo 2

Screw my parents
Tellin me to clean my room
I won't, so suc it.
Go back to your disney suburbia fairy tale.

Someday, I'm gunna leave this shitty town
And go on tour with Disturbed or some other kickass band
And then they'll all regret me.
But Ill just smile and say...
Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Thursday, October 30, 2014

A Punto Gif And Limerick

There once was a Dodger so keen
His scrap could be easily seen
He dove in the dirt
And mussed up his shirt
Even though the single was clean

Saturday, October 25, 2014