Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hustle: The Puntomeme


"That's So Cano" Is What All The Kids Are Saying These Days

The phrase, "That's so Cano," is, according to multiple sources, what all the kids are saying these days.  The phrase originates from Robinson Cano's famed lack of hustle.  It was originally used to critisize someone who was talented but didn't try or hustle, and failed to achieve what they were capable of.  It has evolved into a phrase to express general disapproval towards something.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Nick Punto Entrenched In Race For SB% Title, Methodically Eliminating Competition By Hiring Jason Bourne To Kill Them.

Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodgers Superutility Man Nick Punto has been entrenched in a fierce battle for the 2012 MLB stolen base percentage title for weeks now.  He leads the majors with a 100% stolen base percentage, but is tied for the lead with with dozens of others. Showing his usual hustle and determination, he has taken to ensuring his victory by systematically killing his adversaries. 
Tim Kurkjian of ESPN.com reports Punto has hired rogue CIA agent Jason Bourne to methodically terminate the competition.  Already, prominent adversaries in the SB% race Quentin Berry and Donovan Solano have been seen sprinting over the rooftops of Cairo, Egypt pursued by a hooded figure toting a high powered rifle.  They haven't been head from since.  Other 100 percent-ers Josh Rutledge and Lorenzo Cain have told tales of strangers in their proximity dropping dead at random with bullet wounds to the head.  Russell Martin reports his house exploded after someone left his TV Guide in the toaster.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Nick Punto Snubs Star SD Chargers Tight-End By Failing To Open Garden Gate For Him; Scandal Dubbed "Gates Gategate"

During a charity event at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens, Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodger Superutility man Nick Punto was put in an awkward spot yesterday, when, while in the process of opening and walking through a wrought iron gate on the grounds, San Diego Chargers star tight-end Antonio Gates came rushing up behind with the intention of also passing through before Punto closed the gate, so as to not go through the laborious task of re-opening the latch and pushing the gate aside.  With Punto facing away from him, approaching at a brisk jog, Gates shouted, "Yo! Nicky-P!" at which Punto showed no reaction and continued through the gate, allowing it to slam in Gates' face.

Various sources have weighed in on the significance of what has been dubbed, "Gates Gategate."  Those in the know are divided into two camps as to the intended message of "the slam".  One theory is "Gates Gategate," is simply another incident in long and bloody history of the L.A.-S.D. rivalry.  A more popular theory proposes that Antonio Gates has developed a reputation in the pro-sports industry as a socially awkward 'nick-namer' and his usage of the name "Nicky-P" gave Punto an urge to flee lest his style be cramped.  No concrete evidence has surfaced to support either theory, nor a third Tim Tebow-centric postulate being pushed heavily by ESPN.  Whatever the reason the intrigue of Gates Gategate lives on.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Punto At The Bat- Mostly By Ernest Thayer


The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the L.A. nine that day:
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Kemp died at first, and Hanley did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Punto could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Punto at the bat.

But Abreu preceded Punto, as did also Choate,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was a goat;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Punto's getting to the bat.
But Abreu let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Choate, the much despis-ed, tore the cover off the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Randy safe at second and Abreu a-hugging third.

Then from 35,000 throats and more there rose a rollicking bark;
It rumbled through the ravine, it trembled through Elysian Park;
It knocked on out to Anaheim and recoiled upon the desert flat,
For Punto, mighty Punto, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Punto's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Punto's bearing and a smile on Punto's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Punto at the bat.

Thirty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Ten thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Punto's eye, a sneer curled Punto's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Punto stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-
"That ain't my style," said Punto. "Strike one," Joe West said.

From the benches, blue with fanatics, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
"We want umpire accountability!" shouted someone on the stand;
And it’s likely they'd a-fired him then-and-there had not Punto raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Punto's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Punto still ignored it, and Joe West said, "Strike two."

"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered fraud;
But one scornful look from Punto and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Punto wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Punto's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Punto's blow.

Oh, somewhere in San Diego the sun is shining bright;
Vin is chatting somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere Manny is laughing, and somewhere dem bums shout;
But there is no joy in L.A. - mighty Punto has popped out.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Democratic Delegates Say No To God, Jerusalem, Say Yes To Nick Punto

In a shocking transgression today, democratic delegates, when questioned whether to add the mention of God, and the belief that the American embassy in Israel shold  be located in Jerusalem, voted a resounding "No", and yet voted a resounding "Yes" to the addition of a plan that calls for the classification of Nick Punto as a weapon of mass destruction.

Nick Punto Hits Moonshot, Pulverizes Moon, Knocks Jupiter Out Of Orbit

Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto hit one of his typical moonshots during the game yesterday.  However, this hit had a bearing straight for the moon, which it collided with and pulverized on contact.  The ball continued screaming through the solar system eventually grazing Jupiter, knocking it out of its orbit.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Nick Punto Finds Hitting With Conventional Wood Bat Too Easy, Opts For "Mario Super Sluggers" Style DK Boxing Glove Instead.

Finally growing bored to his utter dominance at the bat, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto opted to jazz thing up a bit and make hitting more of a challenge.  Yesterday, instead of coming to bat with the conventional wooden bat, Punto instead brought to the plate a massive boxing glove, reminicent of the one used by Donkey Kong in "Mario Super Sluggers".  During his first at-bat with the glove, Punto took huge windups before each pitch, taking massive swing/punches at each offering, spinning around several times and falling on his rear after each whiff.  After three straight three pitch strikeouts, Punto was eventually pitched a strike, which he punched 450 feet off the batter's eye in dead center.  Rounding the bases, Punto was reported to have been mumbling to himself that it was, "too easy," and after the game was found perusing e-bay for a used longboard, apparantly dead-set on switching from Donkey Kong's batting style to Funky Kong's.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Betty White Eats A Snickers, Turns Into Nick Punto

Answering the age old question, "If you turn into Betty White when you're hungry, what does Betty White turn into when she's full?"  Betty White ate a Snickers at a press conference yesterday, and transformed into Nick Punto.