Nick Punto Hits Ball With Such Potencey, Half Of Massachusetts Is Impregnated.

Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto hit a line shot with such potency in yesterday's game, women from Cape Cod to Pittsfield reported sudden pregnancy of unknown origin, and early estimates conclude that approximately 52% of the female Massachusetts population was impregnated by Punto's hit.

Nick Punto To Release Breakfast Cereal Called "Yankee O's" With Motto, "Just like Nick, You Too Can Eat Yankees For Breakfast".

After much anticipation, Future Hall-Of-Famer Nick Punto called a press conference yesterday to announce his partnership with Kellogg's in the creation of his own breakfast cereal "Yankee O's" that will be marketed with the tagline, "Just like Nick, you too can eat Yankees for breakfast."
A sample of the product was then distributed among the press present.  The box features a smiling headshot of Punto, mouth agape, about to chomp down on a spoonful of miniature Curtis Grandersons, Mark Teixieras, Derek Jeters, and A-Rods, all screaming in horror.
The cereal itself features a similar design, the compressed oats made to look like the screaming heads of past and former Yankees, but the real highlight of the product is the mini plastic Nick Punto action figure as the prize at the bottom of each box.  When a button on the back of the Punto figurine is pressed, his right foot stomps down to the floor.  Put a Yankee-head piece of cereal underneath this foot, and "You've got hours and hours of Yankee-stomping fun!"

Nick Punto Tries To Swing And Miss #yolo.

In a moment of boredom during yesterday's game, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto, just for the hell of it, attempted to swing and miss at a pitch.  He failed, accidentally hitting the pitch into the Charles River, approximantely a mile beyond the left field wall.  Punto tossed his bat in anger as he watched his moonshot leave the park, disgusted in his failure to swing and miss at the pitch.

Nick Punto Booked At The Last Minute To Perform At Teen Choice Awards, Ratings Go Through The Roof

In a surprising move by Fox Sunday, probably in the face of low expected ratings, brought in Nick Punto as guest host with Demi Lovato.  Fox cited Punto's appeal to the female teenage demographic, which most likely contributed to his impromptu duet with Flo Rida,  Performing "Wild Ones", Punto not only sang Sia's vocal part, he also took a page from Justin Timberlake, ripping off Flo Rida's top at the end of of the song.

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby, Will Instead Watch Re-Runs of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto replied "The dynamic between Kim and Cynthia is just so intriguing to me, and of course with Nene and her relationship issues, it's must watch television."

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby, Instead Plans On Listening To Taylor Swift In His Bedroom.

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto replied, "I'm sorry to all the dissapointed fans out there, but it's been a long, stressful first half, and I need to find my happy place, which just happens to be in bed with my PJs on, singing along to T. Swift whilee using my hairbrush as a microphone."

Nick Punto Blows off Home Run Derby, Will Fight Crime As Ass-Kicking Vigilante Instead.

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, he explained his long awaited plans to throw caution to the wind and become a crime-fighting vigilante over the All-Star Break.  Punto says he plans to expound on his already fearsome alter-ego, "The Shredder", and take to the streets of Boston to, "Shred up crime." Punto later added the catch phrase was a work in progress.

Nick Punto Blows Off Home Run Derby Because, "You Can't Slide Headfirst On a Home Run".

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Nick Punto announced that he would be turning down Robinson Cano's request that he represent the American League in next Monday's State Farm Home Run Derby.
When asked his reasons for declining Cano's offer, Punto explained hitting home runs was against his principles, and that heart, hustle, grit, determination and being a total badass are attributes that really win a baseball game.
"You can't slide headfist on a home run," Punto argued. When asked how he had hit 15 home runs in his 12 year career if he found homers fundamentally wrong, Punto admitted that he wasn't abovem, "Unfortunate lapses in concentration."