¡Viva La Revolución! A Gloriously Official Fan Club Coup D'état

It has recently come to light that "The Official Nick Punto Fan Club" aka nickpuntofanclub.com aka jameycarrollisaviableutilityinfielder.com aka http://www.gonorrhea.html, has ceased to exist on the world wide web.  According to the wayback machine, the last time the page was archived as existing was January 3rd, 2014.  The last time the page was actually update was a full five years earlier.  Like lol do u even Punto?

In light of this, a power vacuum opened, and we here at the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club are writing to say that, after a brutal, bloody coup d'état, have grabbed power.  Obviously, the extra "Official" in "The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club" was only present due to necessity, as we felt the need to differentiate ourselves from less-legitimate enterprises on the interwebs.  But now is the time.  The time to ascend to the most official of all the Nick Punto Fan Clubs.  Our other competition, "Nick Punto Fan Club" aka nickpunto.blogspot.com, aka espn.com/skipbayless aka choadeaters.net still shows up in google search results, but has not been updated since 2006, and was only active for two months.  I am confident, therefore, that we will stand alone at the zenith of all the Punto fandom related sites.

Therefore, henceforth this weblog will officially be known as The Official Nick Punto Fan Club.  The "the" should be read as if in all caps, i.e. "THE OFFICIAL Nick Punto Fan Club".  What a great moment for Punto fans everywhere, and therefore the world.  The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club is dead.  Long live the Official Nick Punto Fan Club.

Nick Punto Has A Man Crush On Kevin Pillar. Who? That cunt-faced whore?

It's official...... I have a man crush on Kevin pillar

— Nick Punto (@Shredderpunto) October 20, 2015

Yeah ok that's fine, see if I care.  Sure, Kevin Pillar.  If that's who you've got a man crush on... Whatever, it's not like it affects me in any way.  It's not like I'm going around whoring it up all over town like Kevin Pillar. But that's just a rumor, just heard that through the grapevine, might not be true, y'know not my words.  Yeah, it's fine Nick, it's not like I've been here by your side supporting you for FOUR WHOLE YEARS or anything like that.  It's not like I haven't been there for you, you're confidant, your rock.  It's not like that cunt-face Pillar has been in the majors for a FULL YEAR less than this blog has even existed.  No, it's fine.  It's fine.  I'm doing just fine, anyway.  Gee, yesterday I got a retweet from Jason Pridie..... oh god..... JASON PRIDIE????? WHAT HAVE IT COME TO???? GODDAMNIT NICK CAN'T YOU SEE I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU????   PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE, I STARTED WATCHING METS GAMES THE OTHER DAY JUST BECAUSE THERE'S A CHANCE JUAN URIBE GETS IN THE GAME AND HE TURNED A COUPLE DOUBLE PLAYS WITH YOU TWO YEARS AGO GODDAMNIT FUCK KEVIN PILLAR WHO THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING WHORE ANYWAY WHY THE FUCK;,ADSFG;LLFKL;ADFS;JDSAGJDSIOANFDSJAKZMERW GR
F;DSA JBGDFIUSJKGS


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DASDSAK,CVZ D


kv;kladssdxxm,. CVXZMegirsbdfsl


'flkdslz;gklfds'
AG :Ldf'laegr
 gdfl
...........................................ASVSSADFAFFF.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I'm sorry, that got out of hand.  I've...I've got some things I need to sort out right now.  I think I might be take a trip to Italy, eat some food, really clear my mind.


nickpuntoforhof@gmail.com


Oops, sorry, I just hit "paste" and my email just randomly appeared completely on accident, but yeah, actually I you wanna write me back or anything that'd be great, Nick.









Please.

Nick Punto, Chip Caray and the Platonic Essence of a Base Hit

Below is a maximum resolution clip of a play in the 10th inning of the 2009 play in game between the Minnesota Twins and the Detroit Tigers.  A play-by-play of one of the greatest games in Twins history can be found here.  But that's not the point.  Note video below.

"BASE HIT!" TBS announcer Chip Caray exclaims as Punto smacks the ball authoritatively to left, followed immediately by a somewhat contradictory "Caught out there!".  Then Alexi Castilla makes everything ten times worse by being easily mowed down at the plate by Ryan Raburn.

"Damnit, Alexi Castilla" - Plato

Now, for those who seem to believe that Chip Caray made a stupid, hilarious mistake, I posit a different theory.  You see, Caray recognized Punto's talent for what it is, a universal platonic Form.  Of course Punto intended to get a hit, but it was unfortunately (and inexplicably) caught.  But since Punto's talent is universal, infallible, and immaculate, similar to Plato's ideals of justice, unity, and beauty, Punto's hit was not a fly out, but rather a base hit that just happened to be caught.  Plato acknowledges that all physical manifestations of Forms are imperfect, and this just happens to be a very imperfect manifestation of Punto's pristine talent.  With this, we can see that Caray's pronouncement was not mere boneheaded happenstance, but truly a proclamation of his belief in Plato's Theory of Forms, and of Nick Punto himself as existing in the intelligible realm.

It is rumored that in the subsequent commercial break between the bottom of the tenth and top of the eleventh, Caray looked at the boom operator dead in the eyes and said, "For now, I am content to be a naive observer, watching the shadows dance on the wall of the cave.  But someday... someday I will emerge from the cave and finally observe the world around me.  And Nick Punto will be there, sliding head-first into first base."

True Grit -- A Serialized Novel: Chapter Two: Strange Medicine on the Desert

           

             Punto glanced at the fuel gauge as the Firebird continued its prowl down the desert highway.  He glanced over his shoulder at the body-shaped figure, concealed by a blanket, in the back seat. "Still no movement," Nick thought, "I'm no doctor, but that ain't good.  Oh well, fuck it."  Nick propped his knees up against the wheel to keep the car straight as he began to roll a blunt.

            "Hey, Bartlett," he asked, licking the rolling paper, "you got a light?"

            "Sure." Bartlett tossed Punto his bic.  Punto finished rolling the joint, ignited the end and took a long hit.  He accelerated gradually as he slumped back in his seat.  Everything really was going relatively well, he realized. As long as they just kept going steady through into Vegas, with no more setbacks or stops for infield practice, no one who was chasing them would be able to catch up in time.

            Suddenly Punto's eyes twitched.  The road ahead convulsed, and Punto leaned forward as the car hugged the curvature of the earth.  Fuck.  When that shifty Venezuelan behind the 7-Eleven in San Bernadino said this chronic would blow his brains out, he didn't think... oh shit...

            Suddenly a gruesome black mass rose up in the rearview mirror, and there was a terrible roar.  Punto knew that they were back. He looked back into the mirror, the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car.

True Grit -- A Serialized Novel: Chapter One: Fear and Loathing and Piranhas

Explanatory Note:

Nick Punto was released by the A’s on December 19^th, 2014.  No new news surfaced, until, on January 7^th, 2015 it was reported he had signed a minor league contract with the Diamondbacks.  Yet on the fateful day of February 20^th, 2015, it was announced that he would not be attending spring training, and would be sitting out the rest of the season, “to spend time with his family”.  Some believe that this was simply Punto waiting to retire in order to collect the 2.75 million dollars the A’s still owed him.  But that’s what he wants you to think.  The truth is, Nick Punto has some old scores, and he’s been fixin’ to settle them for a while.  Nick Punto is not “spending time with his family”, he, along with one or more accomplices, are out there, right now, and they’re hungry for revenge.  In the process, they might just save baseball. This is that story.

They were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. Punto had smoked a J to try and calm his nerves, but it wasn’t helping.  The 77’ Firebird screamed across the California desert. The thirsty V8 roared under the hood as the car accelerated to over 90 mph.  Nick Punto’s knuckles whitened on the steering wheel.  The air screamed in through the opened window, and Punto was reminded of the time Elvis Andrus dared him to touch Adrian Beltre’s head.  The speedometer needle edged passed 100 mph, but Punto kept his eyes fastened to the road, and his foot to the floor.  Jason Bartlett suddenly snapped into consciousness in the passenger seat.

Adjusting Nick Punto's ZiPS Projections With Park Factors, Other Factors

As we all are presently aware, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto has taken his talents to the desert. According to Punto himself, he had, "grown bored of annihilating American League pitching," and was looking for a change of scenery.  So he demanded his release from the team, and signed up with 'Zona, hoping that the National League, "Has gotten some fresh pitchers since I left."  Anyways, Punto's ZiPS projections for the 2015 season were calculated before his change of teams, and I'm here to adjust the numbers to his new park, league, and roll on the team.  First, the initial projections:

Player	Age	PO	PA	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SB	CS	AVG	OBP	SLG	No.1 Comp
Nick Punto	37	2B	239	22	45	8	1	2	15	2	2	0.213	0.292	0.289	Craig Counsell

ZiPS wouldn't dare comp Punto to
Jamey Carroll's punk ass.

Pretty shitty, right?  It's a good thing Punto is moving from one of the worst offensive parks to one of the best, because I was about to say, those don't look like Punto level numbers!  I mean, what kind of insulting comp is Craig Counsell????  You might as well comp him to Montreal-era Jamey Carroll! HA! Like that would ever happen.

Obviously, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto will do, like, an assload better than these ZiPS projections. (Due a tangible change of league and home park, of course.)

There are multiple adjustments that need to be made to the ZiPS projections.  Number one, they assume just 239 PAs for Nicky P in 2015.  What?  We all know Punto's a versatility machine.  Give 'em six-hundo and we'll call it even.  With 600 PAs, things shape up a little bit, but we have to take into full account the effect his new park will have on his numbers.  According to Fangraphs Park Factors, Punto should expect a 7% increase in offensive output due to his new home at Chase Field.  Well screw that shit!  We all know Punto's gonna mash like a friggin' potato.  A better estimate of his uptick in offense due to Park Factors is that it will be, like, 300% better.  Punto's adjusted line:

Player

Age

PO

PA

R

H

2B

3B

HR

RBI

SB

CS

No.1 Comp

Nick Punto

37

2B

600

166

339

60

8

15

113

15

15

Nick Punto

Now that's more like it!  Some interesting observations about his adjusted projections:

• ZiPS predicts 60 doubles from Punto, taking into account Chase Field's expansive outfield gaps.
• It also predicts 113 RBI, showing that Punto will benefit from hitting in the middle of the order on his new team.
• ZiPS forecasts that Punto will break the all-time single-season hits record by a margin of 77.
• ZiPS adjusted Punto's comp to the only player who he could possibly be compared to: himself.

The Bombest of Bombs With Nick Punto

As conspicuously noted on this weblog, Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto currently has 19 home runs during officially sanctioned Major League Baseball regular season play.  Of those nineteen, twelve are recent enough to have been catalogued by ESPN Home Run Tracker.  Of those, one was a straight friggin' bomb.

Uppa Deck Muthafucka!!!!  There's nothing more satisfying that Nicky P showing how long he can dong.
Now take into account what we're watching here.  This was calculated to have a 444 ft true distance on HR Tracker.  This is by far the farthest homer he has hit in within the the data available.  In fact, this is probably the hardest Nick Punto has hit a ball at the professional level ever.  Let that shit sink in for a second.  #whoadude.

Nick Punto Is The Most Metal

Poem by Nick Punto:

Teacher and her facist bullshit

Tryna control my mind

But u can't control me

I listen to System of a Down

And have a 10 k/d on Halo 2

Screw my parents

Tellin me to clean my room

I won't, so suc it.

Go back to your disney suburbia fairy tale.

Someday, I'm gunna leave this shitty town

And go on tour with Disturbed or some other kickass band

And then they'll all regret me.

But Ill just smile and say...

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Classic and Possible Creepy Punto Vids: Installment 3

Classic!
Creepy?

Classic Punto Vids: Installment 2

So classic

Classic Punto Vids: Installment 1

Classic

A Punto Gif And Limerick

There once was a Dodger so keen

His scrap could be easily seen

He dove in the dirt

And mussed up his shirt

Even though the single was clean

A Punto gif a Day Keeps the Shredder Away: Day 2

Nick Punto rejects your definition of the strike zone

A Punto gif A Day Keeps The Shredder Away: Day 1

The umpire says strike three. False.

The Art of Shredding With Nick Punto

A fantastic article from ESPN that cronicles the lore and legend of Shredder Punto. link

Some choice quotes:

“Last year, David Freese’s Game 6 jersey is in the Hall of Fame,” Punto said. “But it’s torn up in pieces.” 

“Ellis was easy because his jersey isn’t sewn,” Punto said as he pointed to the lining of the buttons on the jersey. “Adrian’s is sewn all the way up, so it’s a tough shred.” 

“They call him the Shredder for a reason, and I was warned about him,” Ellis said with smile. “Matt Guerrier played with him in Minnesota and he warned us all that the Shredder is coming, so when you get the walk-off win, tell Mitch Poole, our clubhouse guy, to order more jerseys.” 

Vintage Punto

Oakland Athletics to play for Nick Punto in 2014

Though nothing is official, it appears that it appears Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto has found his new team for the 2014 season.  Punto said that the Dodgers had really "contributed a lot" during the past year and a half, but that he was looking to "move in a different direction".

Though details are still being worked out, Punto has brought on a team that will deliver big.  With a talented major league roster and fertile farm system, Punto believes he has chosen the best available team to play for him.  "I always say buy low," Punto commented at his official press conference, where he shook hands with his newly acquired teammates, owner, and front office personnel, "The A's are really undervalued.  All of my research has shown that teams with awful stadiums have become the new market inefficiency."

When questioned about how he planned to deploy his new team Punto replied, "Right now, we're looking at playing the Athletics at third, short, and all three outfield spots. I will be manning second, obviously.  As for first base and catcher, I am still exploring other options."

Rumors have circulated that the Minnesota Twins could fill in at first for a second time around with Punto, and that he has expressed interest in the Yomiuri Giants as a potential stopgap behind the plate, though the team's posting fee may be a tad high for Punto's liking.

Nick Punto Fined, Benched For Showing Up Too Early, Saves The Game With Clutch Putout In 9th.

A tense moment in the dugout between Punto and Mattingly
in the dugout during yesterday's game.  An unidentified
Dodgers coach says "Awwwkward" in falsetto in background.

Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto was fined and benched yesterday for showing up to the Miami ballpark at 5:35 AM, which lead to his momentary arrest by the Miami PD for trespassing.  Punto was released on bail, and was fined the respective amount by Manager Don Mattingly, who subsequently benched Punto for, "Trying too goddam hard".  Inexorably, however, Punto saved the game for the Dodgers in the 9th with a clutch putout at second, where he had been stationed as a late game defensive replacement.  Offered Yasiel Puig, "He's a transcendent talent, what can I say?  This team was down and out, spinning its wheels in fourth place, and since then Punto has put the team on his back."

The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club -- Back By Popular Demand

After a lengthy hiatus of two, possibly even three months, the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club, much like the equally ill-advised returns of Jericho and Kim Possible, is back by popular demand.  “By who?”  the reader may ask.  By one man, the author answers, of whom forcibly picked the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club up by its proverbial collar and demanded to be paid the fuck attention to.  Danny DeVito has joined forces with Nick Punto in the club of five foot nothing tycoons of industry, and the duo has the promise of being the most compelling Hollywood/baseball couple since Canseco and Madonna, nay DiMaggio and Marylin.  Just watch.  There are no words.

Nick Punto Hits Sixteenth Career Home Run, On Pace To Hit 51 (Assuming 3,000 At Bats)