A Punto gif A Day Keeps The Shredder Away: Day 1

The umpire says strike three. False.

The Art of Shredding With Nick Punto

A fantastic article from ESPN that cronicles the lore and legend of Shredder Punto. link

Some choice quotes:

“Last year, David Freese’s Game 6 jersey is in the Hall of Fame,” Punto said. “But it’s torn up in pieces.” 

“Ellis was easy because his jersey isn’t sewn,” Punto said as he pointed to the lining of the buttons on the jersey. “Adrian’s is sewn all the way up, so it’s a tough shred.” 

“They call him the Shredder for a reason, and I was warned about him,” Ellis said with smile. “Matt Guerrier played with him in Minnesota and he warned us all that the Shredder is coming, so when you get the walk-off win, tell Mitch Poole, our clubhouse guy, to order more jerseys.” 

Vintage Punto

Oakland Athletics to play for Nick Punto in 2014

Though nothing is official, it appears that it appears Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto has found his new team for the 2014 season.  Punto said that the Dodgers had really "contributed a lot" during the past year and a half, but that he was looking to "move in a different direction".

Though details are still being worked out, Punto has brought on a team that will deliver big.  With a talented major league roster and fertile farm system, Punto believes he has chosen the best available team to play for him.  "I always say buy low," Punto commented at his official press conference, where he shook hands with his newly acquired teammates, owner, and front office personnel, "The A's are really undervalued.  All of my research has shown that teams with awful stadiums have become the new market inefficiency."

When questioned about how he planned to deploy his new team Punto replied, "Right now, we're looking at playing the Athletics at third, short, and all three outfield spots. I will be manning second, obviously.  As for first base and catcher, I am still exploring other options."

Rumors have circulated that the Minnesota Twins could fill in at first for a second time around with Punto, and that he has expressed interest in the Yomiuri Giants as a potential stopgap behind the plate, though the team's posting fee may be a tad high for Punto's liking.

Nick Punto Fined, Benched For Showing Up Too Early, Saves The Game With Clutch Putout In 9th.

A tense moment in the dugout between Punto and Mattingly
in the dugout during yesterday's game.  An unidentified
Dodgers coach says "Awwwkward" in falsetto in background.

Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto was fined and benched yesterday for showing up to the Miami ballpark at 5:35 AM, which lead to his momentary arrest by the Miami PD for trespassing.  Punto was released on bail, and was fined the respective amount by Manager Don Mattingly, who subsequently benched Punto for, "Trying too goddam hard".  Inexorably, however, Punto saved the game for the Dodgers in the 9th with a clutch putout at second, where he had been stationed as a late game defensive replacement.  Offered Yasiel Puig, "He's a transcendent talent, what can I say?  This team was down and out, spinning its wheels in fourth place, and since then Punto has put the team on his back."

The Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club -- Back By Popular Demand

After a lengthy hiatus of two, possibly even three months, the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club, much like the equally ill-advised returns of Jericho and Kim Possible, is back by popular demand.  “By who?”  the reader may ask.  By one man, the author answers, of whom forcibly picked the Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club up by its proverbial collar and demanded to be paid the fuck attention to.  Danny DeVito has joined forces with Nick Punto in the club of five foot nothing tycoons of industry, and the duo has the promise of being the most compelling Hollywood/baseball couple since Canseco and Madonna, nay DiMaggio and Marylin.  Just watch.  There are no words.

Nick Punto Hits Sixteenth Career Home Run, On Pace To Hit 51 (Assuming 3,000 At Bats)

Another Blockbuster Trade Brewing?

Spring Training is buzzing over rumors that Future Hall-of-Famer Nick Punto is on the trade block.

The Yankees have been chomping at the bit to aquire the superutility infielder, as sorces report that a package of Robinson Cano, Brett Gardner, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Tino Martinez and Happy Jack Chesboro has been kicked around between the two clubs, though nothing has gone final. Other potential suitors include the Florida Marlins, who have offered an unprecedented 2.5 million dollar contract extension with a no-trade clause if Punto was traded there.

For a more accurate report on Puntorumors, check out MLB Trade Rumors

Celebrate Nick Punto Day on February 12th!

Ah yes, 'tis the season.  The Super Bowl is is the rear view mirror, Keith Law has released his top 100 prospects and ESPN has just launched its fantasy baseball game; all signs that Nick Punto Day is right around the corner! As the twelth most famous of our national holidays, here’s an overview of the hallowed traditions of February 12^th.

Conceived by Twins blogger Andrew Kneeland in 2010, Nick Punto Day was created as a sort of international debate forum, a day for blogger and commenters alike to argue the merits and shortcomings of Little Nicky P. 

Some fine examples of Nick Punto Day can be found here.

The traditional head-first slide into first base has taken its hold as the most widely practiced NPD custom.  In baseball fields throughout the country (regardless of climate) loyal Puntoites can be seen sliding headfirst into first base at a time between 2:10 and 2:59, depending on Punto’s current lifetime batting average. 

So show your Puntmas Spirit on February 12th!  Dress up in your finest Punto gear and spread some holiday cheer!

For Those Already Missing The Baseall Season...

Nick Punto Confused With Infield Fly Fiasco, "For Me, That Ball's a Routine Triple Play"

Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodgers superutility man Nick Punto called a press conference today to express his confusion over the Cardinals-Braves infield-fly fiasco.  He spent most of the conference wondering aloud what he was missing.

"I don't get what the hulabaloo is all about," Punto quipped, "If I'm playing shortstop, that ball's an unnassisted triple play every time."

Hustle: The Puntomeme

"That's So Cano" Is What All The Kids Are Saying These Days

The phrase, "That's so Cano," is, according to multiple sources, what all the kids are saying these days.  The phrase originates from Robinson Cano's famed lack of hustle.  It was originally used to critisize someone who was talented but didn't try or hustle, and failed to achieve what they were capable of.  It has evolved into a phrase to express general disapproval towards something.

Nick Punto Entrenched In Race For SB% Title, Methodically Eliminating Competition By Hiring Jason Bourne To Kill Them.

Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodgers Superutility Man Nick Punto has been entrenched in a fierce battle for the 2012 MLB stolen base percentage title for weeks now.  He leads the majors with a 100% stolen base percentage, but is tied for the lead with with dozens of others. Showing his usual hustle and determination, he has taken to ensuring his victory by systematically killing his adversaries. 
Tim Kurkjian of ESPN.com reports Punto has hired rogue CIA agent Jason Bourne to methodically terminate the competition.  Already, prominent adversaries in the SB% race Quentin Berry and Donovan Solano have been seen sprinting over the rooftops of Cairo, Egypt pursued by a hooded figure toting a high powered rifle.  They haven't been head from since.  Other 100 percent-ers Josh Rutledge and Lorenzo Cain have told tales of strangers in their proximity dropping dead at random with bullet wounds to the head.  Russell Martin reports his house exploded after someone left his TV Guide in the toaster.

The Official Officially Official Nick Punto Fan Club Flyer!!!! Download, Print And Spread The Word!!!

Join!

Nick Punto Snubs Star SD Chargers Tight-End By Failing To Open Garden Gate For Him; Scandal Dubbed "Gates Gategate"

During a charity event at the Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens, Future Hall-of-Famer and Dodger Superutility man Nick Punto was put in an awkward spot yesterday, when, while in the process of opening and walking through a wrought iron gate on the grounds, San Diego Chargers star tight-end Antonio Gates came rushing up behind with the intention of also passing through before Punto closed the gate, so as to not go through the laborious task of re-opening the latch and pushing the gate aside.  With Punto facing away from him, approaching at a brisk jog, Gates shouted, "Yo! Nicky-P!" at which Punto showed no reaction and continued through the gate, allowing it to slam in Gates' face.

Various sources have weighed in on the significance of what has been dubbed, "Gates Gategate."  Those in the know are divided into two camps as to the intended message of "the slam".  One theory is "Gates Gategate," is simply another incident in long and bloody history of the L.A.-S.D. rivalry.  A more popular theory proposes that Antonio Gates has developed a reputation in the pro-sports industry as a socially awkward 'nick-namer' and his usage of the name "Nicky-P" gave Punto an urge to flee lest his style be cramped.  No concrete evidence has surfaced to support either theory, nor a third Tim Tebow-centric postulate being pushed heavily by ESPN.  Whatever the reason the intrigue of Gates Gategate lives on.

Punto At The Bat- Mostly By Ernest Thayer

The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the L.A. nine that day:

The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.

And then when Kemp died at first, and Hanley did the same,

A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest

Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;

They thought, if only Punto could get but a whack at that -

We'd put up even money, now, with Punto at the bat.

But Abreu preceded Punto, as did also Choate,

And the former was a lulu and the latter was a goat;

So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,

For there seemed but little chance of Punto's getting to the bat.

But Abreu let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,

And Choate, the much despis-ed, tore the cover off the ball;

And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,

There was Randy safe at second and Abreu a-hugging third.

Then from 35,000 throats and more there rose a rollicking bark;

It rumbled through the ravine, it trembled through Elysian Park;

It knocked on out to Anaheim and recoiled upon the desert flat,

For Punto, mighty Punto, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Punto's manner as he stepped into his place;

There was pride in Punto's bearing and a smile on Punto's face.

And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,

No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Punto at the bat.

Thirty thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;

Ten thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.

Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,

Defiance gleamed in Punto's eye, a sneer curled Punto's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,

And Punto stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.

Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-

"That ain't my style," said Punto. "Strike one," Joe West said.

From the benches, blue with fanatics, there went up a muffled roar,

Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.

"We want umpire accountability!" shouted someone on the stand;

And it’s likely they'd a-fired him then-and-there had not Punto raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Punto's visage shone;

He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;

He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;

But Punto still ignored it, and Joe West said, "Strike two."

"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered fraud;

But one scornful look from Punto and the audience was awed.

They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,

And they knew that Punto wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Punto's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;

He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.

And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,

And now the air is shattered by the force of Punto's blow.

Oh, somewhere in San Diego the sun is shining bright;

Vin is chatting somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere Manny is laughing, and somewhere dem bums shout;

But there is no joy in L.A. - mighty Punto has popped out.

Nick Punto Eats A Large Amount Of Crow, Finds It Very Delicious

ESPN Fantasy Analysts Matthew Berry and Stephania Bell Guest Star On The Nick Punto Radio Network

Check it out here
http://espn.go.com/espnradio/play?id=8365733

Democratic Delegates Say No To God, Jerusalem, Say Yes To Nick Punto

In a shocking transgression today, democratic delegates, when questioned whether to add the mention of God, and the belief that the American embassy in Israel shold  be located in Jerusalem, voted a resounding "No", and yet voted a resounding "Yes" to the addition of a plan that calls for the classification of Nick Punto as a weapon of mass destruction.